I have read several posts on the matter recently and had considered writing a realistic expression of how these first 9 weeks of motherhood have been. Thank you to Gina for giving me the cajones to speak about it truthfully. It wasn't until I read your post that I decided to go for it. I wish someone had told me the unedited version of newborn life. Of course everyone shares their one liners about sleepless nights or colic-y babies, but I don't think anyone ever really laid it all out there for me. If they had, I'm certain that my fairytale vision of life after baby wouldn't have slapped me in the face hard enough to leave a permanent mark.
This goes without saying, I love my son.
But this shit is hard.
I think as a society, we are programmed to share only the good stories, post the good pictures, say "I'm fine" when, in reality, we really aren't. There are more bad stories in the first few months than good. More tears of frustration and despair than fluffy soft moments of cooing and snuggling on a soft blanket of happiness.
Catching my dear son in a good moment is difficult...a good bit of the time, its a combination of crying... or vomiting... or pooping... or spinning his head in a 360 degree rotation a la The Exorcist. He is not a perfect baby. In fact, he is inconsolable most nights from 5:30pm - 8:00pm. And this just happens to fall around the time that mommy and daddy are home from work, itching to spend time with our precious dude, only to realize the horror that is sure to ensue for the next 3 hours. I admit it, some days I dread coming home. We hold our breaths if, God forbid, we have to run an errand in the evenings and dear son is in tow. And forget about dinner out. If the neighbors don't already think we're abusing our child, the patrons at our favorite restaurants probably do just based on his face alone.
My time with Smith is limited to a mere two hours in the evenings before he starts his bedtime routine and drifts off to sleep at 8:30. I wish I had a peaceful two hours, but 9 times out of 10, Kent and I are slowly going crazy. There have been moments of complete and utter chaos under the direction of screams louder than anything you could imagine coming out of a 15lb ball of fun. Kent and I look at each other and share a look of desperation.
Admittedly, on more than one occasion, I questioned why I wanted this so badly. Dealing with an inconsolable child is painful. Not only to your ears, but to your heart, your mind, your body and your soul. You begin questioning your own sanity while beating yourself up for not being a good mother. Why can't you figure out what is wrong with this kid? Why aren't all the typical tricks working? Why is he SCREAMING? I may have considered, more than once, that if I had been afforded the opportunity to walk away, I would have. Then, the guilt sets in and you start beating yourself up for feeling so helpless and wanting to run screaming for the hills. You wanted this dummy! Why are you complaining? You tried for years to have a child. And now you're bitching about it? According to all the movies, this is supposed to be a beautiful time in our lives. We are supposed to be laying playfully with our child and giggling and admiring our miracle. Don't get me wrong, we have those moments too, but that is most certainly not reality 100% of the time. Not even 50% of the time.
Most of the time it is a daily struggle to understand your child. Have patience to get through the screaming fits. Find the sheer willpower buried deep beneath 3 months of sleep deprivation to get out of bed at 3 am for the 20th night in a row and shove a bottle (or a boob) into the mouth of this... thing. This thing that cannot tell you what is wrong. This thing that absolutely cannot live without you. This thing that doesn't say thank you or don't worry mom, I can feed myself this time.
Dealing with a newborn is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is not the picture perfect fantasy life that I had envisioned. If you would have told me, even 3 months ago, that I would have questioned my decision to have a child, I would have looked at you like your head had fallen off. If you would have told me that my marriage would have been strained at times, I'd think you were nuts. If you would have told me that I'd have the absolute least amount of confidence in myself as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, I would have told you to jump off a bridge. If you would have told me that I'd hate my body, despite the miracle that it went through to have this baby, I would have said no way, I'll take the fat rolls if it meant I'd have a child. If you would have told me that I questioned whether my Husband would want to leave me on account that I am the mere shadow of the woman that he married, I'd tell you to shove it. But this is my reality.
But, the other side of this is that my son is by far the greatest accomplishment of my life. My heart beats because of him. He is my absolute everything. And in the moments of my deepest frustration, all I have to do is look at his face and know that it is all worth it. These times are a drop in the bucket in comparison to a lifetime of love to give and receive from this child. He is the most perfect thing I will ever do. And its those moments of peace and serenity, when he opens his big blue eyes, turns his head to look at me and he smiles. I must be doing something right afterall.
Note: after a few comments, I feel I need to say that my little mister isn't captain fusspot all the time. He just has his moments, typically in early evening, that don't agree with him. This is typical, from what I understand - a bewitching hour of sorts. He's a healthy eater, suffers from a bit of acid reflux, but typically accepts his bottle in any way, shape, form, temperature, etc. He just gets his diaper in a bunch, like most babies, and sometimes... well, its just hard.
I feel its important for other new or soon to be new mommies to know that they are not alone should they experience these same feelings. Just as we found out after our miscarriage, there is an underworld to this whole fertility / parenthood thing that no one discusses for fear of embarrassment or judgment. Other mommies need to know that if they experience these feelings, IT. IS. OKAY. You are not alone. And you are not a bad mom. And like most things, this too shall pass.
10 comments:
Great post, very real and honest and I'm sure every mother out there can relate.
Though admittedly I think you may have just convinced me to push back my baby making timetable a bit ;-)
Being a first time mom is haaaard. It's difficult, and even when (and if) the 2nd one comes along, it's still hard. There are days when I feel like all my hair is going to fall out because of the stress.
but my question is this... and I hope I'm not over stepping... but is that handsome little man of yours breast or bottle fed? If he's breast fed (even if he's getting it through a bottle) there might be something you're eating that isn't sitting very well with him and it's upsetting his tummy... if he's formula fed, he might not be tolerating that kind of formula or he might be getting too much (hence the throwing up). Formula is really heavy on their tummies and finding what works isn't always so easy. My son wasn't breastfed much at all and he tolerated regular formula just fine... my daughter on the other hand was breastfed for the first 4 months of her life and finally went on a massive nursing strike and I had dried up. We tried her on regular formula and she was just miserable. Switched her to the stuff for sensitive tummies and she did pretty well. :)
I really hope you find what is making little guy so mad... once you figure it out, you'll start to see a much happier baby :)
Woah. This post could not have come at a better time. Nor could it have been more fitting to how I feel these days...I just haven't been brave enough to post it for fear people will think I'm a horrible person. But it's SO true. This is hard!
Last night I was laying on the couch holding my screaming son and my husband looks over and asks why I am crying. Cause this is hard...and it's not any fun...and it's not the happy gerber baby you see on tv...and sometimes I don't like being a mom and wonder why we did this in the first place. Gasp. I said it. I want to come home from work. And actually eat the dinner I've made. And watch tv. And hang out with my husband. I don't want to deal with this screaming baby. He's no fun. He doesn't even know or care who I am...I'm lucky if he even acknowledges my presence most days. But then he goes and smiles...or gives me a funny look that melts my heart and I realize this phase will pass so I might as well grin and bear it.
Thanks for telling us how you're feeling, it helps me realize I'm not alone!
I love your honestness! I have made it my personal mission to tell every mom or dad to be that I know the truth about the baby-having business. No one told me and I am officially pissed that all my other mom friends deceived me. So i tell the truth. everything from how breastfeeding is not easy and how you don't take showers for days, weeks, a month? how you have this baby who never sleeps, and will cry if they are not held 24/7. yes, that crap is hard... and EXPENSIVE. And it lead to so many troubles in my life in every aspect. Ways I never thought or had a clue possible.
Yes, my son is the absolutely most amazing, smart, talented, perfect boy in the entire world. But this is now... and he is 4. when he was a tiny baby... those were some rough times and I was so very very alone.
My only advice for you is it gets better very quickly. By 3 mos he'll be a little angel... or he won't be... maybe at 6 mos... maybe a year... or maybe not until he is 4. But as he gets older it will get easier.
has baby been tested for acid reflux?? my sister had a screaming baby for the first 3 months... once time he cried/screamed from 12-9pm she wanted to die. i know i would have died. she took him in, turns out he had a VERY severe case of acid reflux- he had to change formula and take meds just so he could be calm and sleep... it got better almost instantly. it also continued to improve the closer he got to real food and also the more he was able to sit up on his own... etc.
Thank you for putting yourself out there in such an honest way. I can second it all...you are awesome.
Amen doll! Congratulations on putting this out there, for being real, for being honest, for being you. Do you feel better? I imagine it helps to finally exhale deeply and let it out.
You will get through this. Everyone does. Some more battered for the wear than others, but all ok. This helped me realize that I have a friend going through this, and maybe I should make more of an effort to be there for her.
Even though I don't have a child, I can relate to this. I think everyone can. We all have something we wanted with all of our hearts, minds, souls... and then we finally get it... and question it. It's a process, and I'd like to think it makes us all better.
I know it can be frustrating, but i hope your cuddly happy times start to come more often than the screaming, pulling-your-hair-out times. :) Stay strong.
Smith and KP must be in cahoots b/c she's a Mrs. Fussypants from 6-8 at night too! We just feel like we are constantly feeding her during that time b/c it is the only thing that calms her down. I agree, this is so hard and no one understands till they go through it. When I get overwhelmed I think of the Darius Rucker song "It won't be like this for long" and it really does put things in perspective for me and calms me down
We lived through "The Children's Hour" as my mother-in-law calls it. I hated every minute of it, partially because it broke my heart to not be able to help my baby, and partially because I though I had the only baby who cried continually for no reason every night!
Thanks for posting this for new moms and moms to be. It really helps to know you're not alone, and it DOES get better!
Great post! It's great to read an honest take on motherhood.. I like to know what I'll be getting myself into eventually :) It's not like my mom is gonna be 100% honest, afterall, she wants grandbabies !! Hahaha. Good luck with everything K :)
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